Here’s my artistic and psychological evolution over the past four years.
It’s interesting to reflect on my changing attitudes and approach to the same subject matter. Through it all I remained brave and kept my sense of humour, even when I fell into despair.
It feels good to look back on the tremendous growth my art has made in a few years. I just reached a point where I was ashamed that I was in my 30’s and my art had barely improved since high school. Now I can clearly see progress.
July 22nd, it’s been three years since I nearly died in a hit-and-run. I still live in the aftermath of that incident, but it was also a moment of rebirth for me. I’ve learned a lot, about myself, about pain, about trust, about people, and society.
I will always carry this anger, but it is a good anger. It is not the kind of flame to destroy, but the flame to forge and strengthen.
I wonder if this will be the last art piece I create to commemorate this day. I wanted to capture where I am now. I am in a much better place than I’ve possibly ever been. It was fitting that I latched onto Kazuhira during my recovery, as he too is a character who falls to similar depths and later drags himself out of Hell.
We will never be the same again, but we now have a new equilibrium.
(I’m still waiting on that damn insurance payment!)
I’m always trying to push myself to broaden my skills. I’ve become quite a fan of watercolour as of late. This is the most complicated things I’ve ever done in this medium. It was scary to paint those shadows in. But I think it worked in the end.
Carpe diem: I’ve wanted to do a Peace Walker Kazuhira shoot for years now, but I could never find a photographer to do it. The old community of amateur photographers has all dissipated. I decided to not let that stop me, you want a job done right, do it yourself. This shoot was struck with a case of Murphy’s Law however, anything that could go wrong, did go wrong, but I charged ahead anyway. I accidentally packed my wig tape and cap in my storage unit. I forgot to put on my holster belt. The stand for my phone broke, my DSLR just would not focus on me. But the weather was nice, there was hardly anyone on the beach on a Monday afternoon, so despite it taking longer and being more challenging than expected, it all came together in the end.
These photos were shot on both my phone and DSLR, I don’t think you can even tell the difference between the two these days with the way the technology is now.
By the way, that jumpsuit is actually my work uniform. Other cosplayers have to fake the weathering on their costumes, but me? I wear my costume week after week for years to look suitably lived in. I’ve come to regard this uniform as my default look, almost like a cartoon character.
I tried to get this comic done in time for the one year anniversary of the hit-and-run on July 22nd. Then I had a power outage in my house for nearly an entire week. Oh well, my life is just a series of challenges. This comic is something of a closer, a postscript, to my journey of healing.
One year ago I nearly died, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t trust my own brain, I was abandoned and threatened by my family. MGSV allowed me to both escape my pain and confront it. I was Venom Snake, waking up with amnesia to a world that didn’t make sense, sadly there was no Revolver Ocelot on a white horse to save me. I was Kazuhira Miller, burned by my own rage, rendered unable to walk, thankfully they were able to put pins in my broken leg and save it. Then there was the nerve damage causing a constant phantom pain all over my body.
I’m stronger now than I was before the accident, I’ve started bodybuilding, and practicing Krav Maga, I’ve nearly returned to full-time work, finally got my driver’s license and I’m trying to join the army reserves. Metal Gear saved me from suicide, it’s inspired my art and costumes and writing, it’s motivated me to live and become something formidable.
All this pain, reminds me of what I am, I’ll live, I’ll become all I need to be.
The Brain Comforts Itself (A trilogy of dreams)
After several traumatic incidents leaving me severely injured and profoundly alone, my subconscious provided me a place in which I could retreat. This place was not devoid of pain or danger. No, each time I visited I was made to overcome a challenge, face some aspect of my real pain, the difference from reality being that I had someone stronger and wiser than I was to walk with me. This phenomenon has been known by shamans all over the world perhaps before the written word itself. The ancients speak of spirit guides and tulpas, beings that visit our minds to provide us with unique guidance.
This is an ability I’ve had my whole life, but I dismissed my fantasy worlds as childish or shameful. After my near-death experience followed by the most intense dreams of my life, I decided I didn’t want to keep these things locked away in my mind anymore, they don’t deserve to die with me.
These characters might belong to a video game, but I don’t think that matters, these are the forms my subconscious assumed because these are figures who represent meaningful qualities to me. Snake, Miller, Ocelot, each in their turn taught me something important on my journey to recovery.
This project took me down all sorts of surprising avenues of research, from the self-insert fantasies of Dante Aligheiri to the dissection of the subconscious by Jung. Our private relationship with our fantasies or even the fiction of others is significant, this triptych demonstrates the providence my own mind offered me as protection from my pain.
The Dream:
The dreams I had featuring Kazuhira as I recovered seemed to mostly focus on pain and our relationship with it. I struggled often with the urge to harm myself, perhaps as a means of feeling control over my other pains. This is the wisdom Miller imparted onto me after a particularly exhausting day of battling those urges.
Part 1:
Photography by Vespa Photography
Despite Miller’s limited wardrobe and static body language, I find him endlessly inspiring. The challenge of portraying him through cosplay, and reenvisioning him through fashion is all about subtlety and the little details. I kept the silhouette functionally the same, but draping the trenchcoat like a cape to entirely obscure his missing arm added a touch of theatre. Essentially I built everything around the velvet double breasted blazer, it read to me as the formal fashion equivalent of his military uniform.
Most of this costume was assembled, the most work I did was cut the wig myself. I’m surprised what I could get out of a $15 eBay wig, it’s a half-wig too, it needed to be thin enough to fit under the beret. The downside is I could only cut it so short, but I think this length works for what I’m going for.
I shot this one in my bedroom alone, I did the makeup myself, even put vaseline on my face to simulate sweat.
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain
Costume by me
Photography by Sreeraj Sreenivisan
Edits by me
Location: Fremantle Harbour and Maritime Museum
Nearly four months ago I was nearly killed in a hit-and-run, I have no memory of the incident, nor the week that followed. Since then I’ve had to deal with injuries I don’t remember acquiring, it doesn’t feel real. I have two skull fractures, I am deaf in my left ear (hopefully temporarily), I was in a neck brace because of my fractured vertebrae, but the most debilitating part was my broken right leg with severe lacerations along the tendons. I was robbed of my ability to walk for months. Thankfully I wasn’t in a wheelchair for too long, but whether or not I’ll ever be able to walk properly without needing the crutch is unknown at this point.
While I recovered from the worst of my injuries, I stayed with my family, I didn’t have much else to do but play whatever games I had downloaded on my laptop, and that just so happened to be the Phantom Pain. What I got was an intense exploration of pain, loss and grief, I was shown characters who seemed to understand what I was going through and gave voice to these new feelings I couldn’t articulate. The opening of the game alone was some kind of nightmarish re-enactment of my hospital confinement. But it was Kazuhira that became a kind of spirit guide for me, because of him I feel no shame in my current physical limitations, if I need this crutch forever, so be it, no matter what I’ve lost, a Diamond Dog gets up and keeps on fighting.
I still haven’t been able to return to work, my circadian rhythm is completely unpredictable, so while I continue to recover, and when I’m not sleeping, or playing Metal Gear, I find myself inspired to make costumes again. This costume was entirely sourced in op shops, the only sewing I did was attaching the Diamond Dogs patch to the beret, and tailoring the trousers. I’m not so much interested in making everything from scratch and being 100% accurate to the source material. It’s more fun for me to source pieces, the thrill of the hunt, finding garments that evoke the character, and I just so happened to get lucky. I wasn’t going to make this a girly rule 63, that would be tacky, I wasn’t going to make this crossplay and try to pass myself off as male, that would be inauthentic. I just adapted Kaz’s costume for myself, with all the practicality and dignity his costume entails.
Another stroke of luck was the shoot, it had rained mere hours before we shot, but it was mostly clear skies when we needed it. It was cold, perfect for all the layers I had to wear, and just the right amount of wind to get us a few dramatic flowing trenchcoat shots. There also happened to be a real naval ship in the harbour too, although we couldn’t get too close.
It felt good to return to modelling, and I hope I can bring you more Metal Gear shoots soon.
Travian Designs 