Here’s my artistic and psychological evolution over the past four years.
It’s interesting to reflect on my changing attitudes and approach to the same subject matter. Through it all I remained brave and kept my sense of humour, even when I fell into despair.
It feels good to look back on the tremendous growth my art has made in a few years. I just reached a point where I was ashamed that I was in my 30’s and my art had barely improved since high school. Now I can clearly see progress.
July 22nd, it’s been three years since I nearly died in a hit-and-run. I still live in the aftermath of that incident, but it was also a moment of rebirth for me. I’ve learned a lot, about myself, about pain, about trust, about people, and society.
I will always carry this anger, but it is a good anger. It is not the kind of flame to destroy, but the flame to forge and strengthen.
I wonder if this will be the last art piece I create to commemorate this day. I wanted to capture where I am now. I am in a much better place than I’ve possibly ever been. It was fitting that I latched onto Kazuhira during my recovery, as he too is a character who falls to similar depths and later drags himself out of Hell.
We will never be the same again, but we now have a new equilibrium.
(I’m still waiting on that damn insurance payment!)
I’m always trying to push myself to broaden my skills. I’ve become quite a fan of watercolour as of late. This is the most complicated things I’ve ever done in this medium. It was scary to paint those shadows in. But I think it worked in the end.
Here’s another shot of my MGSV Revolver Ocelot, always fascinating to see how different photographers interpret your costume. This one was shot by CK Imagery at Evolve Pop Culture Expo 2024. See this costume photographed by Snap Happy Ian here.
Here’s another solo shoot, just me and my phone camera. This is around the same spot that I did my first Naked Snake photoshoot, although they have since destroyed that beautiful little alcove of trees I had used. Still the area provided the kind of scenery I needed, with bonus authentic mosquitoes. I was being eaten alive, it was worth it. It’s nice to see how far my costume and my physique have come in about a year. That STABO harness was a nightmare from beginning to end. It’s been my white whale for years, I finally found authentic parachute clips online, but they only shipped to the United States, so I needed my dad to order them and ship them to me. I thought sewing the straps would take an hour tops, instead it took nine hours. It’s a complicated system to begin with, but then in the game, there’s no adjustment straps, so I had to tailor to fit me exactly. Then on top of that I had to figure out a bunch of hidden tricks to make it conform better to my body.
The final piece missing from this costume is the radio switchbox, and maybe an M1911 replica gun.
The Brain Comforts Itself (A trilogy of dreams)
After several traumatic incidents leaving me severely injured and profoundly alone, my subconscious provided me a place in which I could retreat. This place was not devoid of pain or danger. No, each time I visited I was made to overcome a challenge, face some aspect of my real pain, the difference from reality being that I had someone stronger and wiser than I was to walk with me. This phenomenon has been known by shamans all over the world perhaps before the written word itself. The ancients speak of spirit guides and tulpas, beings that visit our minds to provide us with unique guidance.
This is an ability I’ve had my whole life, but I dismissed my fantasy worlds as childish or shameful. After my near-death experience followed by the most intense dreams of my life, I decided I didn’t want to keep these things locked away in my mind anymore, they don’t deserve to die with me.
These characters might belong to a video game, but I don’t think that matters, these are the forms my subconscious assumed because these are figures who represent meaningful qualities to me. Snake, Miller, Ocelot, each in their turn taught me something important on my journey to recovery.
This project took me down all sorts of surprising avenues of research, from the self-insert fantasies of Dante Aligheiri to the dissection of the subconscious by Jung. Our private relationship with our fantasies or even the fiction of others is significant, this triptych demonstrates the providence my own mind offered me as protection from my pain.
See the rest here: https://traviandesigns.com/tag/metal-gear-triptych/
The Dream:
Ocelot is an enigma, both instantly recognisable, yet ever-changing. I can relate, but how does one reconcile all the people one has been throughout a life? Ocelot would know better than anyone.
Here is the result of nearly two years of work on this project, I feel I have learned a lot, but I don’t think I will be jumping into making comics any time soon. It’s a lot of work!
Carpe diem: I’ve wanted to do a Peace Walker Kazuhira shoot for years now, but I could never find a photographer to do it. The old community of amateur photographers has all dissipated. I decided to not let that stop me, you want a job done right, do it yourself. This shoot was struck with a case of Murphy’s Law however, anything that could go wrong, did go wrong, but I charged ahead anyway. I accidentally packed my wig tape and cap in my storage unit. I forgot to put on my holster belt. The stand for my phone broke, my DSLR just would not focus on me. But the weather was nice, there was hardly anyone on the beach on a Monday afternoon, so despite it taking longer and being more challenging than expected, it all came together in the end.
These photos were shot on both my phone and DSLR, I don’t think you can even tell the difference between the two these days with the way the technology is now.
By the way, that jumpsuit is actually my work uniform. Other cosplayers have to fake the weathering on their costumes, but me? I wear my costume week after week for years to look suitably lived in. I’ve come to regard this uniform as my default look, almost like a cartoon character.
A big thanks to Snap Happy Ian for these most excellent photos.
This Revolver Ocelot costume was mostly assembled from pieces found at op-shops and military swap meets. I added the capelet to the jacket about a year ago, and dyed the bandolier and styled the wig the night before the expo.
I wear a lot of these items as part of my everyday wardrobe, with the intention of minimising the waste and excess that cosplay often entails.
Two years ago, July 22nd 2022, was the day I was hit by a car and my life changed forever. I refer to it as my Baptism of Pain. I look back on who I used to be before that day and I don’t connect with her at all, she was a lost, frivolous, materialistic, childish girl.
Then I was thrown straight down to Hell, but I crawled out, my eye wide open. Full of venom.
Is my life better now? Depends on how you define it, my life isn’t happier, or safer, or less lonely. But it is better because I finally see the truth. I see the cruelty human beings are capable of, even family, friends, and doctors. I see now how utterly alone we all are, and any authority you turn to is ultimately looking to exploit you.
I had once walked through life like a dream, believing that we lived in a world of order, and justice, and reason. Always assuming that, should the worst happen, someone would rescue me. Oh, some people pretended to rescue me, but they ended up hurting me worst of all.
No, hope is a mistake, trust is a delusion.
I saved myself.
Following the accident, my world became very small, I was just trying to survive, trying to endure the pain. I used to be an avid consumer of stories, not anymore. I don’t connect to much of it these days. But there were two characters I understood and who I could draw strength from. Big Boss of Metal Gear Solid, and Guts from Berserk. Through them I saw the same existential dread reflected, how does one begin again when everything has been taken from you? How does one continue in a life destined for suffering? Why continue struggling day after day when there can be no hope of peace in one’s future?
The answer is, you abandon the very concept of hope and replace it with willpower. I stick around almost out of spite, I’m still standing because I will it so, despite my body’s protestations.
Wisdom coming at the cost of an eye is a price the god Odin himself paid. It is fitting then that Snake and Guts had their awakenings after their right eyes were blinded. Mercifully, I wasn’t injured so severely, but the Ptosis in my left eye has become a constant feature in my life, almost a trademark. It is the most visible mark of that baptism.
One might imagine I would become bitter, and angry, and removed from society, and for a while, I was. I had every right to. But no, I later developed my own moral code to live by:
Strength. Truth. Integrity.
I choose to put the love and kindness into the world that I was never shown. I choose to love, and to love fearlessly, with not even the hope of reciprocation or even a thanks. I love you and I want the best for you. I want to help you in the ways I never was. I want you to feel safe and that you can trust me.
I’m not going to let this horrible world defeat me, I am going to defeat it with love.
I cannot be hurt anymore.
Here’s what six months of colouring practice looks like. Below is the last time I drew Venom Snake in colour. I used Zensations mechanical coloured pencils, I know how to use them better now, but I still don’t like them much.
Watercolour pastels and ink.
Travian Designs 