Here’s my artistic and psychological evolution over the past four years.
It’s interesting to reflect on my changing attitudes and approach to the same subject matter. Through it all I remained brave and kept my sense of humour, even when I fell into despair.
It feels good to look back on the tremendous growth my art has made in a few years. I just reached a point where I was ashamed that I was in my 30’s and my art had barely improved since high school. Now I can clearly see progress.
July 22nd, it’s been three years since I nearly died in a hit-and-run. I still live in the aftermath of that incident, but it was also a moment of rebirth for me. I’ve learned a lot, about myself, about pain, about trust, about people, and society.
I will always carry this anger, but it is a good anger. It is not the kind of flame to destroy, but the flame to forge and strengthen.
I wonder if this will be the last art piece I create to commemorate this day. I wanted to capture where I am now. I am in a much better place than I’ve possibly ever been. It was fitting that I latched onto Kazuhira during my recovery, as he too is a character who falls to similar depths and later drags himself out of Hell.
We will never be the same again, but we now have a new equilibrium.
(I’m still waiting on that damn insurance payment!)
I’m always trying to push myself to broaden my skills. I’ve become quite a fan of watercolour as of late. This is the most complicated things I’ve ever done in this medium. It was scary to paint those shadows in. But I think it worked in the end.
Two years ago, July 22nd 2022, was the day I was hit by a car and my life changed forever. I refer to it as my Baptism of Pain. I look back on who I used to be before that day and I don’t connect with her at all, she was a lost, frivolous, materialistic, childish girl.
Then I was thrown straight down to Hell, but I crawled out, my eye wide open. Full of venom.
Is my life better now? Depends on how you define it, my life isn’t happier, or safer, or less lonely. But it is better because I finally see the truth. I see the cruelty human beings are capable of, even family, friends, and doctors. I see now how utterly alone we all are, and any authority you turn to is ultimately looking to exploit you.
I had once walked through life like a dream, believing that we lived in a world of order, and justice, and reason. Always assuming that, should the worst happen, someone would rescue me. Oh, some people pretended to rescue me, but they ended up hurting me worst of all.
No, hope is a mistake, trust is a delusion.
I saved myself.
Following the accident, my world became very small, I was just trying to survive, trying to endure the pain. I used to be an avid consumer of stories, not anymore. I don’t connect to much of it these days. But there were two characters I understood and who I could draw strength from. Big Boss of Metal Gear Solid, and Guts from Berserk. Through them I saw the same existential dread reflected, how does one begin again when everything has been taken from you? How does one continue in a life destined for suffering? Why continue struggling day after day when there can be no hope of peace in one’s future?
The answer is, you abandon the very concept of hope and replace it with willpower. I stick around almost out of spite, I’m still standing because I will it so, despite my body’s protestations.
Wisdom coming at the cost of an eye is a price the god Odin himself paid. It is fitting then that Snake and Guts had their awakenings after their right eyes were blinded. Mercifully, I wasn’t injured so severely, but the Ptosis in my left eye has become a constant feature in my life, almost a trademark. It is the most visible mark of that baptism.
One might imagine I would become bitter, and angry, and removed from society, and for a while, I was. I had every right to. But no, I later developed my own moral code to live by:
Strength. Truth. Integrity.
I choose to put the love and kindness into the world that I was never shown. I choose to love, and to love fearlessly, with not even the hope of reciprocation or even a thanks. I love you and I want the best for you. I want to help you in the ways I never was. I want you to feel safe and that you can trust me.
I’m not going to let this horrible world defeat me, I am going to defeat it with love.
I cannot be hurt anymore.
I tried to get this comic done in time for the one year anniversary of the hit-and-run on July 22nd. Then I had a power outage in my house for nearly an entire week. Oh well, my life is just a series of challenges. This comic is something of a closer, a postscript, to my journey of healing.
One year ago I nearly died, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t trust my own brain, I was abandoned and threatened by my family. MGSV allowed me to both escape my pain and confront it. I was Venom Snake, waking up with amnesia to a world that didn’t make sense, sadly there was no Revolver Ocelot on a white horse to save me. I was Kazuhira Miller, burned by my own rage, rendered unable to walk, thankfully they were able to put pins in my broken leg and save it. Then there was the nerve damage causing a constant phantom pain all over my body.
I’m stronger now than I was before the accident, I’ve started bodybuilding, and practicing Krav Maga, I’ve nearly returned to full-time work, finally got my driver’s license and I’m trying to join the army reserves. Metal Gear saved me from suicide, it’s inspired my art and costumes and writing, it’s motivated me to live and become something formidable.
All this pain, reminds me of what I am, I’ll live, I’ll become all I need to be.
Travian Designs 