Two years ago, July 22nd 2022, was the day I was hit by a car and my life changed forever. I refer to it as my Baptism of Pain. I look back on who I used to be before that day and I don’t connect with her at all, she was a lost, frivolous, materialistic, childish girl.
Then I was thrown straight down to Hell, but I crawled out, my eye wide open. Full of venom.
Is my life better now? Depends on how you define it, my life isn’t happier, or safer, or less lonely. But it is better because I finally see the truth. I see the cruelty human beings are capable of, even family, friends, and doctors. I see now how utterly alone we all are, and any authority you turn to is ultimately looking to exploit you.
I had once walked through life like a dream, believing that we lived in a world of order, and justice, and reason. Always assuming that, should the worst happen, someone would rescue me. Oh, some people pretended to rescue me, but they ended up hurting me worst of all.
No, hope is a mistake, trust is a delusion.
I saved myself.
Following the accident, my world became very small, I was just trying to survive, trying to endure the pain. I used to be an avid consumer of stories, not anymore. I don’t connect to much of it these days. But there were two characters I understood and who I could draw strength from. Big Boss of Metal Gear Solid, and Guts from Berserk. Through them I saw the same existential dread reflected, how does one begin again when everything has been taken from you? How does one continue in a life destined for suffering? Why continue struggling day after day when there can be no hope of peace in one’s future?
The answer is, you abandon the very concept of hope and replace it with willpower. I stick around almost out of spite, I’m still standing because I will it so, despite my body’s protestations.
Wisdom coming at the cost of an eye is a price the god Odin himself paid. It is fitting then that Snake and Guts had their awakenings after their right eyes were blinded. Mercifully, I wasn’t injured so severely, but the Ptosis in my left eye has become a constant feature in my life, almost a trademark. It is the most visible mark of that baptism.
One might imagine I would become bitter, and angry, and removed from society, and for a while, I was. I had every right to. But no, I later developed my own moral code to live by:
Strength. Truth. Integrity.
I choose to put the love and kindness into the world that I was never shown. I choose to love, and to love fearlessly, with not even the hope of reciprocation or even a thanks. I love you and I want the best for you. I want to help you in the ways I never was. I want you to feel safe and that you can trust me.
I’m not going to let this horrible world defeat me, I am going to defeat it with love.
I cannot be hurt anymore.
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